Most people hate the idea of going to the dentist. They may actually like their dentist, and truth be told, most dentists are pretty friendly people, but most folks really don’t like making that visit. The answer is easy: Nobody wants a sharp object poking inside their mouths. It’s tender and soft in there and as orifices go, it seems just as sensitive as the others.
Ten days ago I had the unfortunate circumstance of having gum graft surgery. It was my fifth time. The surgery is incredibly painful, and what’s worse they don’t put you to sleep. I speak candidly with my dentist about the procedures because I might as well know exactly what’s going on, and he’s an old Hawaiian surfer and outdoorsman so we get along. He uses words like “filleting” and “harvesting” which usually sends immediate chills up people’s spines. It should. It’s fucking frighenting.
Gum grafts are done when people have receding gums, like I once had. Dentists harvest (cut out) healthy gum from the roof of your mouth, then make two incisions where the receding gum is, peel up the gum and insert the new, tougher gum underneath it. Then they sew the gums together, forbid you to eat anything sugary, hard, or dairy products for a week. Oh yeah, and you can’t drink wine or beer or soda either.
What is an honest man to do if he can’t drink beer or soda????!!!!So for a week, you feel like you go the shit beat out of you, and you can’t eat or drink anything you like. Lovely visit.
So while I was sitting there listening to my dentist chat with his assistance, my gums filled with novacaine, and have really sharp objects filleting and harvesting my fucking mouth and blood heavily flowing up a tube and down my throat, I thought of a game. Not sure if “Dentist Game: Gum Graft Killa” is the final title, but it’s a start.
Gum Graft Killa is an action, stealth, and puzzle game, and it’s all about visiting the dentist. Over the course of 15 too 20 missions, you have to go visit the dentist, and it’s your job to achieve the various goals set forth for you. There is a story, probably, but as of this second, it’s not that important.
The first goal is to go to the dentist and receive a cleaning. This is the first level, so it should be easy.
(This is not my mouth, by the way.)
The next cutscene shows you making various choices (A, B, or C) about foods choices, and you getting into various situations in which you make choices between one bad food (sugary soda) and another (sugary candy). There will be various cutscenes showing you deciding not to brush your teeth. In less than a few minutes, six months have passed, and you’re back at the dentist. Like in Bully, you can fuck around a little bit, make paper airplanes, put gum in the bathroom sink, eplore, whatever. If you explore enough, and you’re not detected you’ll earn stealth points that will come in handy later.
But the next visit involves having a crown put in. As you sit in the chair and watch the dentist drill into your mouth, you have choices. Can you manage the pain via a set of mini-games before the pain meter reaches its limit? Mini-games include flashback fantasies of surfing or meeting the perfect woman or climbing Mount Everest or sitting on a beach dirnking a margarita, or whatever, and each time you succeed you relief the pain. If you pass enough tests, you’ll successfully survive the crown procedure. If not, you have to start over. The procedure presents cutscenes of absurdly painful situations, and in a way, it might be fun to fail just to see how brutal the next cutscene will be.
Each time you go to the dentist, however, no matter what, the procedures get worse. So the standard fantasies no longer work. As you built up patience and zen points, you’ll also build up power — the power to engage in boss fights with your dentist. If you win, you get to perform surgery on him. This too is a mini-game, in which you must use sharp pointy objects to grind, chisel, fillet, and harvest his mouth.
One of the stealth visits involves stealing novacaine and instruments, and if you get caught, you’ll go to jail, but if you succeed, you’ll be able to confront your dentist with more tools (i.e. “weapons”) during your upcoming boss fights.
Each time you visit, the procedures get worse, so you have to prepare. Oh, and yes, you’ll get a gum graft, but at some point you’ll be able to perform a gum graft on your dentist.
I, for one, would love to play this game right about now.
I found some really funny links about gum grafts. Check these out:
The Procedure From Hall (A personal story in the experience)
Support Group (HAHAHA!)
Gum Graft (on “Rate it all!”)
Gallery of Gum Grafts (people with really fucked up gums and gum graft procedures–this is even gross for me!)